Sunday, December 23, 2007

Painman: The Saint of the Hardmen



Today's "President of Positivity" ride report is a very epic one. Just like in the promise land, where everyone will receive a ROY award, there are awards for everyone who participated! The weather was nippy and there was snow falling and a stiff westernly breeze. This did not keep the usual suspects from gathering at the Stone Arch Bridge to ride west on the Cedar Lake trail to meet the Painman lead 318 ride. There was a "special guest" though who wins the first award of the day. The "prophet" arrived resplendent in vintage Flanders Bros' clothes, riding his valiant fixie Bianchi with studded snow tires. With his interminable smile, good looks and steady riding style "the Prophet" wins the "interminable smile, good looks and steady riding style" of the day award.

Not too far into the ride, the next award was earned, and unfortunately it's an award he's familiar with. Brain Crosby the "track's golden boy", broke his crank to earn the "unluckiest rider award". Big Dave, unselfishly patroled Brain back home and wins the "Good Samaritan" award. It was not only this act that gained favor with the riders, he also brought donuts for a pre-ride snack! Ward Cleaver earned his award for being the "freight train of the day" Ward actually wins this award every ride, as he choo-choos' down the trail, while the rest of us hang our tongues out trying to keep up with him. Ward's protege, "Future King", unflappably hung in there, and even escaped with the prophet for a while on the treacherous greenway. The future king wins the "future king" award once again for his noble riding. The "cow on ice" award goes to "the antagonist" who fell down 4 times! Once he let out an extra 60 lbs out of his tires he faired a little better. The Lunatic Biker wins the "friendly coffee shop attendee" award for braving the elements to meet us for coffee at the Dunn bros round table. He regaled us with his brave stories of fighting the elements and numerous coffee stops to be waiting for us when we arrived. P-Slim wins the "wandering traveler" award, after traveling from Omaha nebraska, he rode our entire route today, managing to avoid us the entire trip. He did make it to the coffee shop to validate he was in fact back in town. Hopefullly next week we can actually ride side by side! The penultimate award of the day goes to none other than "Saint Painman". He was the only rider to come from Excelsior as "the Red Loontern" wins the "pussy award" of the day for coming with some lame excuse that his wife had plans for him. wink, wink. After riding to mpls with us and hanging out at the coffee shop, St. Painman refused offers of rides back home and headed into the bitter snowy windchill of 25 below and trekked back home. Encountering 2 foot drifts at Lake Minnetonka and being snow blind, he none-theless made the trip in 2 hours. He is the patron saint of the hardmen!

From Painman

It was two day's before Christmas
A ride we thought best
We'd leave from 318
The stone arch carried the rest

I left Excelsior alone
The Red Lantern had bailed
He had other plans
It was last minute shopping he hailed

Excelsior was ok
Shorewood began to suck
In Minnetonka I thought of cross Nat's
as I slid on the frozen muck

From there to Hopkins
the riding was a delight
With wind at my back
I was alright

Then from afar
Did I drink too much beer
I saw Santa riding towards me
And three tiny reindeer

My eye's had fooled me
There wasn't a sleigh
Santa was Choo Choo
With Homme, Skibby, and Jordo leading the way

We missed Patrick somehow
He met us at Dunn
It was great to see the youngster
He's always fun

Skibby almost stayed upright
That guy is so nice
He went down four times
He's like a cow on ice

Homme road single speed
Even in this weather
He even has studs
That guy is clever

Cullen rode the front
Just like in France
I beat him up Alp d' huez
He didn't have a chance

At Dunn we met Lunatic Biker
He also rode in
He drank a chi latte
And finished with a grin

I left Dunn solo
The others packed up
Back to Excelsior
I hopped this wouldn't suck

I had gone three blocks
Now I lay on the ground
Frozen puke behind Target Center
Had thrown my bike down

Back up and riding
I thought I was dead
Visions of sugger plumbs
Danced in my head

The greenway was hard
The winds were hauling
Would Jim come get me
If I started balling

I road on
More snow fell now
Visibility 10 feet
I wondered how

Made it to Hopkins
Man that was tough
Snow depth building
It's really getting rough

Minnetonka was worse
I couldn't believe my eye's
The drifts were 3 feet high
And equally as wide

Into Excelsior
I thought epic indeed
Phoned up Skibby
And he agreed

Called Cullen too
He called me stupid
Interesting I thought
He and his bike shot by cupid

I walked in the door
It was my toddler I did see
He gave me a big hug
And had cookies for me

Family is everything
Friends give us pride
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good ride

1 comment:

Brian said...

This just may be the most awesome blog post I've ever seen. And uplifting, positive, and all that shit.

Praise be to Father Skibby!